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Monday, November 7, 2011

Crippling Fear, Shyness

Yesterday, I prepared an envelope as mass offering for the dead. I wanted to be the one to offer it during the mass but the church was crowded and with me are my girls who i know will likely go with me during the procession and besides I will be carrying Maggie who is probably around 17 lbs already. So i gave the envelop to my aunt. But when the time came, she just puy it in the collection basket. I must admit, i was really very angry, I feel like shouting at her. It felt like my prayers for the dead came to nothing because it went to the collection basket. Unreasonable, I know since God is a great God and He would understand each and every little thoughts behind our action. I willed myself to let go of my angry feelings, after all we were attending church and thank God my anger disappears slowly that when we reached home, it no longer bothered me.

She said that she didn't go with the rest of those who offered during the mass because, she didn't see anyone who was holding envelop offerings for the dead. Why would that stop her? Is there a church doctrine that prohibits offering prayers for the dead during the offertory? If there is, my fault. But yesterday, i just thougth her actions resulted from shyness or fear of ridicule or admonition. And i shouldn't blame her because I'm sure nobody wanted to be like that, painfully fearful. I don't blame my grandparents for her upbringing, others have much more emotional baggage than that. Besides, they are wonderful grandparents to me. I just needed to point out how much of elife we are missing if we allow it to get hold of us. My aunt is a college graduate. She could have applied for a job, work on her own but she chose to work on the family business, didn't get marry and it's not for shortage of suitors. She talks of Lola having a nervous breakdown sometime in their distant past, maybe she also suffered one just that nobody wad aware of it. I think that she has too much fear in her, crippling her.

I have that also. Fearful thoughts, fear creeps into my head especially at night or dawn waking up thinking. Sometimes, i am so burdened by my fears, i forgot that being alive each day is a wonderful gift already. And so i struggle, everyday to overcome my fears. So help me God.

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