And Suddenly it Hits Me

I was driving the other day (Rizal Day), towards home when i was suddenly overcome by so much gratefullness that i was born to my parents.  So much so that i would have tweeted about it just to let my feelings out but opted to hold it in and pour those feelings in a blog.  My  parents were born poor, not poorest of the poor but still poor.  However, they were able to send all three of us to school, gave us everything that we needed and as parents, i can say that they are successful in this endeavor.

Had they been lazy or had they been problematic individuals, i would probably be living a different life.  I think of all those kids on the streets of Connecticut in Greenhills or those in other places in Manila selling sampaguita without slippers on and sometimes carrying a much younger sibling and i get depressed.  I have no way of helping them in such a way that it will change their life for the better and the government who is in a position to help has no comprehensive plan to get women and children off the streets. And so like most, i move on and forget about them until i am reminded again the next time i see them.  

So much of what I am now, i owe to my parents who diligently and tirelessly struggle to provide for me and my sisters, educated us and continually guiding us unobtrusively now that we are adults. I hope my children will feel the same way to me and to my husband when they are also adults.  I pray God will help us become better parents.  I also pray for more years to us and to our parents.

Commuting On Our Own

Been awake since 2:00am. Maggie has trouble sleeping due to coughs and colds and mosquito bites. I suspect the mosquito enters our home via a roof vent in the kitchen. There's probably some rainwater left somewhere in the gutter. I've sprayed the house twice last august eventhough I am not comfortable with the idea of spraying. The best would be to clean all breeding grounds. I have tried climbing on the steel ladder but my hands and feet gets cold and clammy. I ended up sweeping only that which i can only reach.

I've been straying off the topic thus far. This was a picture taken while we were onboard a bus from Iligan City to Kabasalan, Zamboanga Sibugay. I remember Maggie is just barely 2 months old. We were on vacation from Manila and i thought it was a good idea to visit my inlaws and let them see Maggie. Buses going to Pagadian are always full and there was a held up in some of their buses so that we were scrambling for our seats. I think my sister was with us. In the mad dash for seats and switch of bus from the regular who arrived first to the airconditioned that arrived not long thereafter, we left the bag containing the Maggie's milk and water and the older kid's food and my toiletries. We reported the incident to the dispatcher and he must have relayed it because when we arrived at Pagadian, we got the bag back. God is awesome. Praise Him for even for the small things.

So we arrived at Buayan already dark and raining. We didn't stay long we went there friday and by sunday morning we're on our wayback to Iligan. It was a time when we were having difficulties in our marriage. The father-in-law thought i needed money and so he wanted to give me some. And the man told me on one of our many fights that i shamed myself on that one because I forced myself on their family. I didn't think of my visit that way, I just thought i let them see their newest grandchild. It wasn't a waste of a visit. I learned something there. The husband's nature of slaving it out in work and his disdain for freeloaders, he got it from his father. It's a good trait most of the time and even I want that for my children. But more than that, I will always want my children to know thay they can always rely on family anytime, and prayers also. That closeness knows no distance.

Love, love,love,love

There are days when it is just so hard to be peaceful, and then there are days when peace of mind comes naturally without effort on your part.  The same problem exists, it's just that somehow it just doesn't affect you that much.  Now adays,  I prefer going straight home rather than window shopping at the mall or even indulging in a little pampering at a spa.  I find I actually look forward to seeing Maggie's face brighten up upon seeing me and hearing her gurgling laugh.  I also find it heartbreakingly sweet that Alyssa gives me loveletters every day from school which really means that I am always on her mind. And even though Abby tires me up with her constant chatter, she's always the one who is also constantly embracing me whether coming home or going to work , and especially sleeping.  So you see, I am loved like that.

So I am gonna treasure these moments now while their world still revolves around me. Some years into the future, they will find another person to love, whose opinion will matter more than mine, seek other arms to embrace, other homes to come home to. But right now, I am the most important person to them and I am just grateful for that love, and so much thankful to God. 

I also love you, husband. And yes, I am sentimental like that.

Nostalgia

Nostalgia it is said is about longing about the things of the past, remembering only the good times. Looking through old photos, i can't help but feel nostalgic about things and places of the past. Browsing through my latest photos during a trip back to Bohol, once again I was kept reminded of the place where I was born and where we, as a often family go back to in times of fiesta of my father's hometown, Lila. Back then, whenever we got home no matter how dark it already is, neighbors, relatives converge at our ancestral house eager to welcome us, share whatever it is that we brought from Mindanao, even when it consists only of a loaf of bread, and several manos of "tabako."


This one is recent, taken at the airport while the blind entertainers were rendering us beautiful songs. The youngest of the three have the voice of a pop star, and his choices also were surprisingly current.This following photos are the sceneries that you will pass by when you travel from Lila to Tagbilaran. The sky seem overcast it's really about 5 o'clock in the morning when we left Taug. Initially, i thought of spending the night in Tagbilaran so that it will be easier for us to go to the airport but Ng Delma offered to use her car to bring us to the airport early. That is how generous and kind and how good a bol-anon spirit is. Most of my relatives are like that, I am proud to say. Really...

This was inside the hinagdanan cave.These are taken at our home in Iligan sometime in the 90's. That was the pre-leukemia, pre-accident days. Sometimes, I have a tendency to divide timelines before and after those two defining events. I have written my thoughts on those times.

Mama still had her nose

But that is all it is, reminiscing. I like the present with all it's challenges and revelations. Also, vacation time with the family is almost always an occasion to look forward to.

Joyride..Jeepney Rides..

If you have been to the Philippines, you can not help but notice the Jeepney. It is the most popular means of public transportation here. It is also the most colorful, the most useful, hindi lang pang-publiko, pampamilya pa. Really! At almost all family occasion that requires transporting several people at least cost, the Jeepney is present. It has become a national icon.When US troops left at the end of world war II, there were hundreds of surplus jeeps left either sold or given locally. True to Filipino ingenuity, we made several changes to the body. Filipinos added roofs to protect passengers from the elements, enlarged the body to accomodate several people and then painted and decorated it as if it were a moving extension of the home. Thus, you will see rugs, curtains, throw pillows even on jeepney. And so it was in this tradition that my beloved parents are shown here, photos courtesy of twistedsunshine. This was taken during the wedding of Kristin Lagria and Joel Namoc at Tagbilaran City, Bohol. It is nice to be seated facing friends and families which we only see now and again during reunions and family occasions. Gatapok jud ang mga bol-anon diri.

By the way, the two pictures above are from wikipedia. Going back to the topic at hand, notice in the 3rd pic that there's a small rectangular stool in the middle. Yup, that's right. In Bohol at least, the drivers maximize the jeep's capacity so much so that you will find it really difficult to get out of the jeep because even the center aisle is occupied. But no one really complains because for one, it is a way of life in Bohol and secondly, Boholanos are by nature easy to please, good-natured people. I think.

Of heartaches and chestpains

I am bothered again by the chestpains that i felt. I started feeling it yesterday. I guess it was prompted by yesterday's anger. The day before it was sadness over a casual remark by somebody. I never did like being the target of a green joke. It's harrassment. But of course, I can't say anything about it. I have mouths to feed. Yup, welcome to the real world. I have also been unmindful of what i eat. I have been eating pizza for the last few days courtesy of officemates' gain on the stockmarket. And i gained weight, and getting to lazy to exercise.

No matter, it's actually an improvement of sort. Back home, it's like a weekly occurence. Sometimes, i think it is triggered by anxiety. I am always conscious of my heartrate, the need to exercise, and being too picky with what i eat. Since living here in the big city, i don't put too much stock on everything anymore. I figured, if your life stops there, there's probably nothing much that anyone can do. And so , i have more peaceful thoughts. I am also pre-occupied with other things and so i have less time thinking about my situations.

I guess, i need another vacation now. In truth, I will be going back home. Visiting my family, attending a wedding, so i will just concentrate in having fun. Yup, i need to concentrate to have fun. That's how mental my problem is. I can't help but think about it in my alone time. But i have so much to be thankful for. And everytime, i'm just so down, i think of them(my kids) and everything just keeps getting brighter. Did i mention, praying helps?

Ted Failon

I woke up around 3am. I couldn't help but think about what happened to Ted Failon's wife. We were listening to his morning program over the radio and his world seemed alright and then later at night seeing him being the news...how it must have felt to have his world being turned upside down.

IT's surreal how your world can changed in an instant. I felt that during the accident. There's an element of unbelief that how could things happened that particular way. You go to sleep hoping that maybe it was all a dream when you wake up only to find that things aren't gonna be the same again and you just have to live with it.

Regardless of the reason of the Failon incident, his wife must have been at her lowest, to have thought that there's no other recourse to her problem but death. Everyone is responsible to his or her own mental health. But spousal support could certainly go along way in helping the troubled one, in the same way that spousal abuse, even if it's only verbal, could isolate the troubled spouse. I make no judgement here. Only that, nobody should be so lonely as to feel that no one cares about him or her anymore, or that there's nobody who would share the burden, or that suicide is the only option. Especially between couples, because they are half of the same whole. One's pain should also be felt by the other in the same way that what makes one happy also makes the other happy. Sorrow is halved and joy multiplied. In moments of anger, the more important things should not be forgotten.

But all things are easier said than done...

Banaue, Ifugao Province

dateline: Banaue

April 11, 2009

We had breakfast at ridgebrook hotel in bontoc and checked out early. When we arrived last night, we weren't able to see Bontoc clearly. At day time, going to the mountains again to banaue, Bontoc is truly at the basin, a thriving community nestled at the foot of every mountain on sight. The houses are quite similar in form, multi-storied and clinging to the mountain sides. Most are made of galvanized iron not only for roofing but also as sidings, probably to keep off the cold.

The bontoc-banaue road are mostly under construction. Again, just like the Benguet-bontoc road, the roads are carved from the sides so there's nothing else but mountain on one side and cliff on the other. The Benguet to bontoc road however are in good condition except for the occasional road cuts. I think our taxes are well-spent on these roads. You have to give it to our government to make these areas easily accessible.

As with all mountain roads, there are passes where only one vehicle can get through. On the road going back to bontoc from banaue, we were forced to back up a trail because the driver of the Innova was afraid to proceed forward. Of course, he was on the cliff side so if he slips...We stopped for nature break at MT Polis. Aj could no longer hold her bladder she urinated on her shorts. Taking a pee costs 3 pesos each and 5 if you need to move your bowels. He bought sweatshirts for aj and abby and matching bonnets. I asked if were staying long since he bought them cold wear, he said no he just like seeing them in traditional mountain attires. Well, that's an insight to his personality. That is something more he could teach me, that would be in living in the moment. But i digress..

I bought a sculptured mountain man who is sitting on his butt for 110.00 pesos only. A traditional pose which allows him to function as a cellphone holder. At the Batad viewpoint, we had our pictures taken with old igorots for a fee. Actually, it's only donation. While we were sitting alongside them, aj blurted out "baho-a uy". The darndest thing children could say. Again, i bought a wooden sculpture of the nativity scene for 500 pesos. He bought banaue souvenir t-shirts for me and the kids and even for yaya.

The banaue rice terraces are simply amazing. You have to give it to these people to find ways to make the mountain work for them. They embraced their environment, make do with what is available. How else would you describe large scale farming of rice on sloping land? I have something to learn from these people. While enjoying lunch at Ifugao Province, we never saw beggars on the streets.

Reflecting on these trip to the mountain and ifugao province, i would say that their life is genuinely difficult only in terms of physical and modern conveniences but more than that their spirit is largely uncorrupted. They found a way to make a square peg fit on a round hole and got away with it. I may have a tendency to romanticized everything but the fact remains that, you can't see what their hands have made out of the environment that they are in and made something so great, that it made it to the 7 wonders of the world.

What does your earth revolves around?

If  you came across earthlingorgeous’ site, you will see photos of her child and the caption “earth revolves around her”.

Isn’t it nice when you are somebody else’s  sun? You must think your pretty special and important to be the center of their universe.

Fact is, the sun is the center of our galaxy which may only be a small part of our universe but it’s the be all and end all of our existence.  I wonder what will happen if the sun will no longer shine? Never did think much about science or of cause and effect consciously. As I understood it, the sun’s gravity holds together the planets in the milky way galaxy to revolve around it. If the sun will cease to be a ball of energy, will it also lose it’s gravitational pull around these planets? Life will probably cease to exist also for some since the sun is needed in the most basic of all life’s processes like photosynthesis. I’m showing my ignorance.I’m too lazy to research…

The sun is responsible for a lot of things huh! And life too..maybe it’s not that great to be the sun. maybe it has no choice on the matter of being the center but The Almighty.  Maybe, if you’re somebody else’s sun, you have no say in the matter.  Still, you become one of the primary reasons for your earth’s existence.

To answer the question, let me first qualify:  God is first, in all things. Outside of God, my earth revolves around my family. I am after all, a wife and a mother…