For a moment..

I know i have a lot to be thankful for.  I truly am.  But let me be sad for just a moment.  Let me wallow in this depressed state which i have tried to hide for so long.  I really thought i could pull it off, you know being emotionless, having a constant poker face to keep sadness away.  It is so damn hard to shoo you away, sadness.  I suppose, i will just to drown you away with my tears and pray sleep will come to my rescue.  Perhaps then, i can start selectively caring.

Kung #mayForever

KA friend got married today and our family played a great part in the entourage.  They have been civilly married since 2011  but were never under the same roof because the parent's bride more specifically the father was not so keen on the groom.  The bride is of chinese descent  courtesy of the father.  

Anyway, sans revealing private matters suffice it to say that the bride's family has accepted the groom to their family.  Since the groom's family hails from the southernmost part of the country known mainly as haven for muslim separatists and rebels, this was actually the first time that they all have met.  And so perhaps, it is only natural that there would be awkwardness between both families.  And yet, i see no real effort by the bride's family to act as gracious hosts here.  To put it bluntly,  the bride's family was snobbish to the groom's family. At best, they were just ignoring us.  I consider myself part of the family since the groom has been living with us for about 5 years now.  More than me being piqued at this situation, what i really wanted to see and which was clearly missing was for the bride's family to be more accomodating and hospitable. After all, a marriage between 2 person also means that the two families are now connected.  At the very least, they won't be seeing the groom's family after this event because travel to Manila is just not attractive to them and is actually more of a hassle to them. So perhaps it was not too much to expect Filipino hospitality? 

Consider this the ramblings of a sleepy but can't sleep mother of 4.

Split Seconds..

Yesterday around 6:30pm i had a near-miss accident.  I nearly hit a motorcycle riding delivery boy because he decided ti run past a red light.  Thankfully, my children all four of them were alright along with 6 other passengers.  Since it was a hard stop, the tendency is to be thrown forward and am really grateful the children wore seatbelts.  Amir's nanny had her face hit the backrest of my seat but i think she's fine now.

I never like motorcycle riding people.  Most are cocky and acts like they are invincible and disregards public safety and their own.  

Fear and Darkness

Had some drama this night because my eldest won't and can't go to sleep without our youngest girl by her side. Add the fact that i turned off the lights.  She cried and cried and ask if she may sleep with her yaya or with nanay.

When i was her age i had also some specific fears which made my father angry because l literally won't comply with his biddings because i was so afraid of somethings. 

It seems there is no rationalization for the thing that you fear.  All you can really do is to fight it.  The night and the darkness cast a large shadow on the things we fear which makes it all too real.

Getting angry won't do her any good, understanding her fears finally made jer lie down in her own bed.  But i can still hear her sobbing. Hayyy..

Tummy Aches and Vomiting WhenYou're 5

Sunday morning around 6 , i woke up to Maggie crying in pain.  She also vomited in bed.  After about 4 vomits later and persistent cry of pain in her stomach, i brought her to the emergency department of Makati Medical Center.  She was injected with Plasil and then about 45 minutes later Benadryl for the vomiting.   Around lunch time we were told to go home without any diagnostic procedures done apparently because, it won't show in the results because it would still be very early.  She was prescribed with Pedialite and hydrite after, e-zinc.  Sometimes, the tummy aches disappear and then comes back but what was consistent was that she would throw up even with just a sip of the hydrite or pedialite.

Since we were told to follow up with her pedia, i had her checked again monday morning with a cocolife accredited pediatrician Dr. Rita Dolendo who specializes in Neonatology.  Had i insisted to have Maggie checked by Dr. Avancena, i would have to shell out for the medical expenses because she's not accredited by cocolife.  Anyway, Dr. Dolendo wanted her admitted because she was weak which was probably due to dehydration. And so here she is ...,

 

She was visited later in the day by her 2 elder sisters and as expected it was noisy for a time.

Until it was time to go, and it was quite and she misses them.  I miss not seeing Amir who still breastfeeds.  Maggie is a little bit her normal self now and i pray we can go home already.

We're at it again...

We are fighting cancer again. More specifically Papa's cancer is back. It's not anymore Leukemia which i think is still one more thing to be grateful. It is colo-rectal cancer.  He has already been operated and is now using a colostomy bag.  He is also currently undergoing cycle 1 of chemotherapy.

It is a very exhausting.  Not that I am complaining.  I suppose, this is me just letting out steam.  God has always been gracious in that throughout our troubles, He has managed to make things a little bit easier for us to bear.  He has provided us with a distant relative in the person of Dr. Tagab who manages Papa's cancer surgery and chemotherapy almost for free but for a very minimal fee.  Other doctors will charge  an arm and a leg for their services and i understand why they would and Dr. Tagab certainly could and yet he has helped us by lowering his fees.  I would forever be thankful for that and for all friends and relatives who are helping us.  

I Have A New Person to Admire

And he is no other than Pope Francis!

Reading about him and his life and witnessing how he is during his visit here in the Philippines made me think about how i am in the mercy and compassion department.  I have always thought of myself as generally merciful and compassionate and i look at him and realize i have to do so much more.  There were moments during the meets that made me cry and perhaps that was compassion in a way but it was all up here in the head , not so much translation into action.

So i resolve to be more compassionate, less to become angry, forgiving the faults and inadequacies in others, more patience because a holy man in our time has made it his life's mission to do so.  And i can only follow.  It isn't easy i tell you but...