Happiness

Fearsome Thoughts

For the past 3 or 4 weeks, i have been having this dry cough. I have bouts of this kind of cough in the past and i'm supposed to have a post-nasal drip something which kind of choked me so i end up coughing non-stop until it's cleared.  Almost always, my face and eyes turned red and teary and i get this wheezing type of breathing.  The coughing gets worse that my right side just below the ribcage becomes painful.  When i took co-aleva and sinecod forte, the cough disappear only to return about 2-3 days after and i get an itchy throat that makes me want to cough all the time.

Searching about itchy throat cough on the internet, showed me all kinds of possibilities and until i end up researching long term use of Pantoprazole which supposedly is not good for the kidney and how damaged throat from GERD is a pre-cursor of cancer.  This is why i should not be reading these kinds of things on the internet.  On one hand it makes me aware of the risks but on the other hand, i get anxious. 

Dear God, help me.

Mama

It has been more than two years or 961 days since my last post to this blog.
 https://youtu.be/JURk-xXDtGU

Here I Go Again..

My inbox is full of emails from Pinterest.  I can't quite delete it since i might miss something that i may like, like the quote above.  Midlife and still hang up on quotes, pathetic you think right? Actually, i think that.  I'm pretty judgemental on myself, more forgiving of the faults of others.  

Anyway, I am on the brink of resigning from my day job.  Yes,  after several months or 2 years give or take several months I still needed the final push to resign.  It's not that easy especially when it affords you financial freedom.  That is mainly the tie that keeps me hanging to my current job, otherwise I am pretty much excited spending most of my days with my children, contemplating what else I am gonna do.

As for the above quote,  I have found peace long ago with myself, with flaws and all and don't give much thought about what others think of me.  What i do worry incessantly is what happens when i no longer have a job.  Where do I get the money to help my aging parents? Etc etc.. The husband assures me not to worry about these things and just hand in my resignation. Still...

Lord help me.

P.S.

I did hand in my resignation letter. I feel much better now.

For a moment..

I know i have a lot to be thankful for.  I truly am.  But let me be sad for just a moment.  Let me wallow in this depressed state which i have tried to hide for so long.  I really thought i could pull it off, you know being emotionless, having a constant poker face to keep sadness away.  It is so damn hard to shoo you away, sadness.  I suppose, i will just to drown you away with my tears and pray sleep will come to my rescue.  Perhaps then, i can start selectively caring.